PURPOSEFULLY WAITING FOR A SPOUSE

At one point in my life, I became so obsessed with waiting for a spouse. I wanted it to happen so badly and the kingdom marriage words flying around on the internet were not helping my case. God had placed some things that He wanted me to do but I just sat with them, waiting for a husband to come and do these things with me. I  was waiting for marriage to fulfill purpose. I had some kind of inner desperation and eagerness to go on dates and be found by my husband but during that time, no one even asked me out. One day, I realized that  while the desire for companionship is natural and valid, it was  essential to approach this season with balance and purpose. I had to come to a place of avoiding falling into the trap of  becoming a  hopeless romantic, endlessly fixated on the idea of marriage without embracing the opportunities for personal growth, finding purpose, becoming financially stable and drawing closer to God.

 I decided that I was  going to be chasing a thousand while waiting for the one who would come to chase 10 000 with me. After all, scripture says  that  “the unmarried woman is concerned about the matters of the Lord, how to be holy and set apart both in body and in spirit… (1 Corinthians 7:34)  and that meant that I still had the advantage of focusing fully on pleasing and serving  the Lord while living righteously.

If you are reading this, I’m guessing it’s because you are in the  waiting season too and hopefully abstaining from sexual immorality. So, in addition to staying away from sexual immorality, what else can you do while waiting for a Godly spouse instead of passively idling away the time? I have come up with  a few steps you can take to make the most of this season.

 1. Health -this speaks of both physical and emotional health. The wisest thing to do first is to heal from all past trauma and baggage from previous relationships or any childhood trauma you might have.  Philippians 3:13 says forgetting those things that are behind, I press on. Take inventory in your heart today, who are you holding hostage? Who do you need to forgive? Who do you need to let go of? Make a list of all of the people who hurt you and ask the Holy Spirit to help you forgive them by faith. If you think men or women are all the same and there will never be a good man or woman for you, it’s a sign that you are carrying emotional baggage. Forgive that person and be healed such that when you hear their name or you see them, it doesn’t affect you anymore. Trying to band aid trauma with a new relationship won’t heal you because until you address this situation, you will still be defiled by bitterness. If you need to go for counseling, do so. Secondly, still under health, take care of your physical health by eating healthy and doing simple exercises such as walking. Occasionally, go for a medical check up to ensure that everything is functioning as it should. If you are like me who used to take too much sugar, clean up your system.

• Talking about cleaning up, the other thing you need to clean up  are your social media accounts. It’s going to be challenging to attract a Godly spouse when your pages are filled with lustful content. A  potential partner seeking a relationship grounded in faith and purity may be deterred by the presence of half-naked photos as they contradict the values of chastity and righteousness .Your online presence  is often a reflection of your character and an abundance of lustful content signals a lack of discernment and spiritual maturity. Does this mean you should now dress like your grandmother? Certainly not! In the Bible, we see Ruth  instructed to dress nicely by her mother in law in Ruth 3:3. Esther in Esther 2:9, prepared herself according to the palace standards which likely included modest  and elegant attire.For all my single ladies ,please know that men are visual people and they are moved by what they see but you can still attract a man while covered up.If you sexualize yourself, you will not be approached correctly at least  not by a Godly man. Remember how Tamar’s father in law couldn’t recognize her when she dressed like a harlot and they ended up getting together. I’m gonna leave this here.

• The third thing I would like to encourage you to do is to invest in your purpose. Do you know your purpose? Do you know why you are you here or what God has called you to do? Do you know where    you are going and who is the right person to come on this journey with you?

It is always good to discover your purpose and have a vision for your life such that when you meet someone, you can find out where they are going, what they are currently doing to get there and if it lines up with what God wants you to do.

If you don’t know how to do this, read books like The Power of Imagination by Andrew Womack Imagine Big by Terry Savelle Foy  or The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Know yourself first. For example I  am a writer and I also know that God has called me into ministry and serving Him  specifically as a counselor so I cannot a marry  a man who will not support the work of God. Scripture says that two can’t walk together unless they agree but there must be something to agree on in the first place. If you would like to know more about who should be a good spouse for you, refer to Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo’s  book, Who should I marry?

4.The fourth thing is to invest in financial knowledge. Read books on finances and clear any loans or debts that you have before starting off marriage with a string of debts to be paid. Save money and get a side gig to add up to that income you are not getting at work.

5.Invest in relationships other than the marriage one. Go to Meet ups in your city, learn new things, learn about different cultures, people, food and travel. This will develop your communication and critical thinking skills and teach you to listen. You may even identify some toxic traits you never knew you had, and you can work on them. Sometimes, God just wants you to work on your character before He can trust you with one of His children. He might want you to work on anger, offense, unforgiveness but you won’t know some of these traits unless you are around people that can offend you or make you angry. Galatians 4:1-2 says an heir for as long as he is a child different not from a slave though he is master of all… (NKJV) In other words, what you want is prepared and there for you already, but God might want you to prepare, mature and be ready for it.

6.Character -You can have all the generational curses broken already and still destroy your home by yourself as did Vashti in the book of Esther.  I always thought it was Esther’s beauty that won the king’s heart but for him to want to parade Vashti in front of his guests meant that Vashti was equally pretty (Esther 1:10-11). But it was Esther’s humility, courage and wisdom that set her apart and made her unforgettable. (Esther 4:18). Another unforgettable woman was Abigail. When her foolish husband Nabal insulted David, she quickly approached David with gifts and a humble plea acknowledging God’s plan for his life (1 Samuel 25 :23- 31) .Her wisdom not only saved her household but also earned David’s admiration. After Nabal’s death, she became David’s wife, proving that true beauty lies in character not just appearance. You can be in a place where everyone around you is just as qualified as you are but it’s character that will set you apart.

Reflect on this: How do you talk to people? Do you watch your words? Are you easily offended? Are you a good listener? 

7.Work on the deeply spiritual side of things and I’m going to break this further down.

*Break any ungodly soul ties that you have with past sexual partners. A soul tie is a strong spiritual and emotional connection that you have with someone usually after engaging in sexual intercourse with them. If you find that you are always thinking about your ex obsessively, comparing your current relationship to your previous one or you are always attracting the same kind of men, you might have a soul tie. You can learn more about soul ties in my post: Breaking ungodly soul ties.

*Recognize and break any patterns and curses that are prevalent in your bloodline which include anti-marriage curses, divorce, rejection, late or no marriage or troubled marriages.

*Break any covenants, oaths or vows that you made with anyone and with spiritual spouses. It’s important to note that you can’t effectively break covenants without first presenting your body as a living sacrifice. Sexual sin opens doors to these spirits.

*Build your relationship with God. Learn to hear God in other areas of your life so that when that person comes, you will know.

Finally, understand the role you must play in marriage as a wife submitted to your husband or as a husband submitted to God. Pray for your future spouse and your marriage. Write scriptures and declare them daily. If you don’t know where to start, you can use the scriptures from my post Declaring God’s word over your future marriage and personalize them.

And finally for the ladies, position yourself to be seen. Stop hiding in your house!